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QUESTION:
Dr.Rhoades, I am in my 3rd yr. of a relationship, we are getting married in 2011 spring, but there is an issue that keeps haunting me. I moved in w/my fiance’ 8 mths after we met, 6 mths later his x-wife asked if he would help finance breast implant surgery for her (yes she knew about me & that we live together) He came home and did tell me about this & said he told her no, but then at tax time he gave her $4,500.00of the $5,ooo he got that year, when this happened one evening we took his son home and she had had the surgery. He told me when I asked him that it was none of my buisness & that he owed her the money. Then her parents are calling us and asking for money for things to be fixed at her home. He always pays his child support & is a good dad,but I feel he is still doing too much for her. We do argue about this when I ask for anything from him. Since then he did help me buy my car & we have purchased a house but I am still a little angry. My question is should I still be, or should I just go on with the future & forget the past.

ANSWER:
Remember in a relationship, people tend to show you their best side and that things that bug you seem to get worse. If you are staying with this man because you think he will change, I think you will be disappointed. If it is OK that you opinion has so little value and that he get to act any way it wants to, then keep doing what your doing. If you want to see if this is going to improve, take the time and the both of you go to a counselor, so that things could be cleared up.
Take Care
Dr. Rhoades

QUESTION: My daughter married a bad man.  We’re talking violent criminal.  I don’t think (at least she never told me) that he hit her… but he was very secretive and after they got divorced… he got arrested for armed robbery… It’s a very good chance the he will go to jail… and I am worried about my grandchildren… If I had my way those babies would never see him again but I know that is not realistic… My daughter doesn’t seem to be concern she says that he loves his kids… and if I’ve honest they adore him… How do you communicate to your children or grand children that daddy did some bad things… don’t do what he did… but it’s okay to still love him… it’s just a mess… the thought of my grand kids have to go to jail to visit their father breaks my heart.

ANSWER: If you can find book, tapes, or movies that deal with these subjects get them and work with them with this group. It is hard to anyone to take things straight on, but it you can talk about a idea as if it belongs to someone in a book , a tape story, or a movie, people seem to be less defensive and take in the information.

QUESTION: I’m 23 and am having a really hard time meeting guys… I’ve lived here all my life and it seems like I either know and don’t want to date… have dated… or my friends have dated all the men in my circle of friends… I’ve started online dating… but it’s so hard to tell whether the people you meet on line are people who you want to actually meet… Have any suggestions on how to figure out whether or not a guy is worth taking from an online friend to an in person date.

ANSWER: If someone on line is willing to meet with you with at least one friend with you, also checking them out, then it is worth a shot to try the date out.

QUESTION: My friend has gained a lot of weight since her and her husband got married… whenever I’ve been around them,  he will make some really ugly remarks to her about her weight… I can’t imagine what he says to her in private.  Anyway, She says it’s to the point that they aren’t having sex anymore because he says he just doesn’t find her attractive anymore.  She says it’s not that she does want to lose weight or be unattractive to him… and cries and says that she knows she doesn’t look the way she looked when they got married… but by him saying these hurtful things she gets bullheaded about it and thinks screw it I’ll eat a twinkie out of spite… She just keeps saying shouldn’t he love me no matter what?  It’s breaking my heart I don’t know what to say to her to help.

ANSWER: You need to say to her,either stay the way your are and be abused, set boundaries for your husband on how he treats you and if he does not change- it is time to move on, or take better care of yourself and see if his behavior changes. Stay out of things between the couple though.